tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-91055742011-11-27T16:42:24.258-08:00Michaelnoreply@blogger.comBlogger2451100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-73480550720455837412007-03-10T08:39:00.000-08:002007-03-10T08:46:41.241-08:00

We're going fishing today. Might as well. It's in the 70s for the first time I can remember. Last night I drank 12 beers at home while L drank endless glasses of wine. Then we went to a bar. The girl at the end of the bar held her head down on the wood as she struggled through whatever conversation was taking through the speaker of her cell phone. I thought she was going to kiss her equally hot

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1153667269506841912006-07-23T08:07:00.000-07:002006-07-23T08:07:49.816-07:00

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1153279740571458892006-07-18T20:22:00.000-07:002006-07-18T20:29:00.950-07:00

Became vegetarian. I Don't really know why. Maybe because a friend of mine is vegetarian and when he talks about it it made sense to stop eating meat. Not for ethical reasons. Just for general health reasons.Been planning a wedding with a girl I've been together with for six years. It's amazing how completely unnecessary a man is in the wedding planning process. My genitals are stored neatly in a

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1152713233895496952006-07-12T07:06:00.000-07:002006-07-12T07:07:14.436-07:00

Probably not safe for work

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1152142694561612392006-07-05T16:37:00.000-07:002006-07-05T16:38:15.043-07:00

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1150169415226694712006-06-12T20:29:00.000-07:002006-06-12T20:30:15.876-07:00

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1149204456485464402006-06-01T16:27:00.000-07:002006-06-01T16:28:38.546-07:00

You down with OPP?___ Yes___ No___ Yeah, you know meYou down with OPP?___ Yes___ No___ Yeah, you know meWho down with OPP?___ Me___ Not me___ Every last homie

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1149134479234968932006-05-31T21:00:00.000-07:002006-05-31T21:02:37.736-07:00

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1148479861093771572006-05-24T07:08:00.000-07:002006-05-24T07:11:01.496-07:00

Please don't.

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1147308616505439502006-05-10T17:42:00.000-07:002006-05-10T17:54:39.936-07:00

get caught masturbating furiously to pictures of your boss' family.leave copies of exotic porn on your desk: fat broads, over 50, and barely legal will suffice.whenever someone asks you a question, stare back at them and suck your teeth for 30 seconds before you respond.when someone asks you what you're doing this week, mumble something about killing kittens. chuckle.make sure everyone can hear

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1144802867727979292006-04-11T17:43:00.000-07:002006-04-11T17:47:47.746-07:00

At night I've been dreaming, nightmaring, of the past a lot. Usually of people and places I miss. When I wake up in the middle of the night I feel strange. Like a composite of lonely and startled, as if the dream absolutely has to mean something but I don't know how to figure it out and I'm missing a very important message my subconscious is trying to tell me.

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1141442042180333742006-03-03T19:05:00.000-08:002006-03-03T19:16:00.266-08:00

What I'm drinking this Friday night:Hells yeah! Oh yeah, and here's a hot girl:

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1141101748283099812006-02-27T20:37:00.000-08:002006-02-28T21:52:15.653-08:00

I went to a tanning salon tonight. And not because I'm a vain Guido. It was because I'm way too white and a slight image boost will motivate me to get into shape by summer. There's kind of a sick desperation in being "the guy" at the tanning salon.I jumped out of the car at the shopping center and the second I walked in I realized my fly was down. This drastically intensified the stress I was

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1141000852971257322006-02-26T16:35:00.000-08:002006-02-26T16:41:38.586-08:00

Fridays are for naps, Saturdays are for chili and margaritas on the couch while watching Cops and Sunday is for trying to make chicken parmesan, sewing a button back onto your blazer and updating the iPod for the week. Unfortunately, it's also thinking about sit-ups because by this summer you want to have a look about you that will make women, upon talking to you for just a few minutes, want to

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1140846414740876942006-02-24T21:33:00.000-08:002006-02-24T21:46:54.776-08:00

Just like a colon, although mines never had one. So when your life changes so must your blog. Unless of course your blog is a notepad that serves only to document the fluctuations of your life.I'm hungry tonight but everything I have requires preparation. When my ship comes in I want to hire a full-time Greek chef who will make gyros on demand. The only rules will be she has to cook in high heels

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1136342749677370922006-01-03T18:40:00.000-08:002006-01-03T18:45:49.696-08:00

Ladder Theory examines the relationship between men and women as both friends and fuck buddies:Women seem to especially like it if you are more devoted to your bad music, biker gang, forearm tattoo or marijuana. These all seem to work wonders. There are some interests you can show in a woman that will help you to fuck her: a healthy interest in

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1136267456477412202006-01-02T21:50:00.000-08:002006-01-02T21:56:19.686-08:00

I'll finally admit that I like hockey. Not that I always have, but for the past few months I've been making an honest attempt at getting into it. It's the first time I've successfully convinced myself to appreciate a sport I wouldn't otherwise give much of a fuck about. More action plus raw combat with sticks and blades is hard to argue with. Maybe next to boxing, its one of the last un-tainted

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1133491083348123842005-12-01T18:34:00.000-08:002005-12-01T18:38:03.433-08:00

Here are some bad jokes. Enjoy, then leave your own:Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?A: Wanna go ride bikes?****A pedophile and a little boy were walking into the woods. A storm was approaching and it was getting dark and windy."I'm scared" says the little boy."You're scared?!?" says the pedophile, "I'm the one who has to walk out alone..."****What did the deaf,

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1133318073732074882005-11-29T18:33:00.000-08:002005-11-29T20:06:52.856-08:00

Random Chuck Norris factsChuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris insteaddecided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1132281261053736622005-11-17T18:34:00.000-08:002005-11-17T20:50:56.216-08:00

The new design is a work in progress. Post your feedback here for any tips or suggestions.

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1132274729431332612005-11-17T16:29:00.000-08:002005-11-17T16:56:28.760-08:00

Representative John Murtha (D-PA) today provided an absolutely schocking and absolutely fucking real comment in regard to the war in Iraq:"U.S. and coalition troops have done all they can in Iraq," the senior lawmaker said. "It's time for a change in direction."He said he believes all the forces could be redeployed over a six-month period.Murtha, a former Marine Corps colonel and veteran of the

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1130376044604042572005-10-26T18:15:00.000-07:002005-10-26T18:21:30.080-07:00

I'm quitting smoking. I'm not really quitting but I'm just kind of not smoking so much any more.I started smoking 11 years ago at the age of 17. I had been dating a girl at the time who smoked. When she broke up with me, I thought I could be closer to her by have an occasional smoke every now and again. I even started smoking her brand of cigarettes, which in retrospect reminds me that even I am

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1129951574156039002005-10-21T20:13:00.000-07:002005-10-21T20:27:19.296-07:00

If you give someone enough rope, they will hang themself somewhere along an infinite timeline.Just ask Tom Delay. Just ask Bill Frist. And get ready to ask Karl Rove. Those of us who have been waiting for a group of heroes to rise up and dismantle this evil that this conspiracy of men has caused not only the U.S. but also the whole world are a bit surprised that the ultimate bitch slap will come

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1129866222380627712005-10-20T20:40:00.000-07:002005-10-20T20:44:39.986-07:00

In texas in never really gets to be autumn, it just kind of goes from mild late summer to windy cold february. Right now we're in late summer, meaning its still in the 70s and 80s. One day soon I will wake up and it will be 25 and I"ll be scraping ice off my windshield wondering what the fuck happened I was sweating yesterday. I miss being in a place where the leaves really turn colors. Lots of

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1129777251118738842005-10-19T19:45:00.000-07:002005-10-19T20:09:00.223-07:00

I visited Austin, Texas for this first time in 1991. I was there to attend my sister's wedding. I was 14. I was watching tv at her apartment one night and was amazed at the public access television there. Fucking anybody could have a show after a short wait on a list. One show was a bunch of teenagers sitting on the couch, stoned out of their mind, talking about sex. I would so fuck her, one

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1127670178471696662005-09-25T10:42:00.000-07:002005-09-25T10:42:58.486-07:00

NEW OFFICE SLANG 404 - Someone who is clueless. From the Web error message, “404 Not Found,” which means the document requested couldn’t be located. “Don’t bother asking John. He’s 404.” Adminisphere - The rarified organizational layers above the rank and file that makes decisions that are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant. Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1127154903260329462005-09-19T11:33:00.000-07:002005-09-19T11:35:03.266-07:00

Today my best friend called me and asked if I would come to Dallas to see him in early October. I think we’re going to have a coming to Jesus talk about him leaving his wife, who is chronically depressed, and bordering on a pill/drug addiction. She sees her shrink as little more than a possible drinking buddy. This is going to be one of those exercises where I have to realize it isn’t what I say,

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1124931617496097782005-08-24T17:52:00.000-07:002005-08-24T18:00:17.513-07:00

A conversation with my friend after his bullshit job interview using Google's new Talk messenger.Jack: Yo! You there?Word em up!Incoming call from Jack at 6:23 PM on WednesdayCall from Jack missed at 6:29 PM on WednesdayMichael: yo fool!Sent at 6:41 PM on WednesdayJack: Yo!Michael: sup...what are you up toJack: nothing chillinwhat you gotMichael: me too.ive never wanted to take a nao si

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1124761214079714552005-08-22T18:39:00.000-07:002005-08-22T18:44:17.296-07:00

one from the inbox.Office DaresONE-POINT OFFICE DARES1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.2) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning'to you.3) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say,"Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."4) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your earsand grimace.5) Leave your zipper open for one

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1124666264368202262005-08-21T16:13:00.000-07:002005-08-21T16:17:44.373-07:00

The Tao of Neil YoungCome a little bit closerHear what I have to sayJust like children sleepin'We could dream this night away.But there's a full moon risin'Let's go dancin' in the lightWe know where the music'splayin' Let's go out and feel the night.Because I'm still in love with youI want to see you dance againBecause I'm still in love with youOn this harvest moon.When we were strangersI watched

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1124326449475051322005-08-17T17:37:00.000-07:002005-08-17T18:01:53.823-07:00

I kind of bitched out and broke a rule of blogging. The one that says you can't be a wuss and not blog when you're life looks like it may fall apart. I've gotten some very good e-mails from a lot of you. I feel stronger for the words you've shared with me. Thank you everyone for your kind thoughts.I've spent this week faking smiles at work. Faking kind of works if you need to trick yourself into

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1123719505010267392005-08-10T17:18:00.000-07:002005-08-10T17:25:33.336-07:00

About a week and a half ago my Mom called me to tell me she had abnormal test results. The next she went in for a biopsy, bloodwork, a CT and an MRI, and this is why I haven't been blogging much and hiding behind pictures of Britney and Cletus.My mom's biopsy results aren't in yet, but the doctor has told her to prepare for the worse. On top of this, she has been diagnosed with diabetes, which

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1123452018006883102005-08-07T14:57:00.000-07:002005-08-07T15:00:18.030-07:00

Here's one from the archive:Five years ago this week I boarded a plane in Austin to go to Las Vegas. I was meeting 5 friends from high school for four days of gambling. I started the party the day before, and was very hung over as I boarded the plane. I was early, and I asked to have my seating assignment switched to an aisle seat. Being my first trip to Vegas, I thought the plane would be

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1123304983409891252005-08-05T22:00:00.000-07:002005-08-05T22:10:04.856-07:00

The Tao of Britney and Cletus You've seen these before, but stop you're bitching. It's not like you pay to read my shit.

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1122863500431300452005-07-31T19:30:00.000-07:002005-07-31T19:41:07.886-07:00

So I finally got a job. By the time many of you are reading this on Monday, I will be on my first day learning the ropes and hopefully not freaking out, so wish me luck.Last week I went to an interview for a position writing things for an organization that I won’t mention here because everyone needs their privacy. Last Wednesday, I got an interview, and four hours later, they called and offered

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1121922472175427752005-07-20T22:02:00.000-07:002005-07-20T22:09:24.396-07:00

My friend Chad took it a step farther one night, and instead of shitting in his pants, actually shit in the living room. His girlfriend, a dabbling vegetarian, had gone out of town for the weekend, and left Chad alone to recklessly peruse Jack in the Box and KFC. Needless to say, this took an incredible toll on Chad's bowels. He had eaten a medley of tacos and burgers throughout the day on

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1121835355867844992005-07-19T21:48:00.000-07:002005-07-19T22:01:21.706-07:00

Michael and the Chocolate Factory I’ve been caught in awkward positions before: Some thirty miles from civilization while fishing when it starts to thunderstorm. In Cabrini Green on the South Side of Chicago after dark. In my dark dorm room while my roommate and his girlfriend screwed like Billy goats on speed. But never as compromising as a steak night in 1999. My best friend and I had a ritual

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1121743953884636192005-07-18T20:31:00.000-07:002005-07-18T20:48:44.016-07:00

Caption this photo, then wish Sabrina_C Happy Birthday!

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1121722931234964802005-07-18T14:41:00.000-07:002005-07-18T15:38:15.340-07:00

One from the inbox:Drinkers Dictionary A collection of terms that every drinker should know. Bait-and-switch - When an attractive person invites you to his or her table then steers you to a less attractive friend. Barley sandwich - Beer for lunch. Also called a slurp sandwich. Bayonetting the wounded - Gamely drinking the half-finished beers the morning after a party. Booze coupons -

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1121714561755453062005-07-18T12:21:00.000-07:002005-07-18T12:27:18.406-07:00

When you’re unemployed time takes on a new meaning. The business hours, which are only of importance to those whose desk your resume is sitting on, is for waiting for callbacks and frantically searching near and high for ads. Lots and lots of ads. Seeking top notch individual. Are you self motivated? Immediate Opportunity. 401K! Are You Ready To Start Making Money? $1500-$3000 a week! The late

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1121566006014675402005-07-16T19:05:00.000-07:002005-07-16T19:06:46.020-07:00

Tony Pierce finally has his podcast up and running. I've been waiting some time for this. Be sure to check it out.

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1121310241979897912005-07-13T20:03:00.000-07:002005-07-13T20:04:01.986-07:00

lets do one from the archive:Because Missing: In Action is on tv tonight, it is appropriate for me to re-write my day as if it was lived by Chuck Norris starring as Colonel Braddock: My alarm went off at 7am this morning. The news was on. More talk about US POWs missing in Vietnam, and failed attempts by government officials to bring them home. I had fallen asleep on the bed, still in

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1121277660653153372005-07-13T11:00:00.000-07:002005-07-13T12:52:00.030-07:00

The Tao of The Beastie BoysI’m rolling down the hill snowballing getting biggerAn explosion in the chamber the hammer from the triggerI seen him get stabbed I watched the blood spill outHe had more cuts than my man chuck chillout24 is my age 22 is my gaugeI’m writing rhymes on a page going off in a rageOut on a mission a stolen car missionHad a little problem with the transmission3 on the tree in

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1121224152533610072005-07-12T20:05:00.000-07:002005-07-12T20:11:33.603-07:00

Its amazing how difficult it is to blog when one is unemployed. I spend my days looking at the classifieds, browsing online employment sites (waste of time), and faxing and mailing resumes all over the place. There's a very slow sinking feeling that is accompanied with unemployment. Not just the loss of identity, but the loss of purpose. I can stay pretty busy sending out resumes all day, and if

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1121201911712530472005-07-12T13:55:00.000-07:002005-07-12T13:58:31.716-07:00

tonight, if you didn't know, is the all star game. it marks the halfway point of the baseball season, roughly half the summer. in theory, this means that we are halfway closer to the bullshit that always comes in october at the end of the world series. It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1121134232261889002005-07-11T18:55:00.000-07:002005-07-11T19:11:08.653-07:00

i want to believe the president and his cabinet. i feel alone sometimes because i see and hear nothing but bullshit, and am utterly shocked when roughly half of the people in the nation disagree with me that there's been a whole lot of bullshit going on the past four years. then i feel like knee-jerk counter-culturalist. even though i don't think i am. i don't have problems with authority. i

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1120796833198119782005-07-07T21:19:00.000-07:002005-07-07T21:28:35.413-07:00

a lot of podcasters seem to be bitching about itunes, and how its newly unveiled podcasting feature unfairly omits many podcasts from its directory. i imagine this is because many podcasters had ideas of their podcasts getting lots more listeners once the itunes update was released. most have. in fact, if you're listed in the directory, there's a good chance you're monthly bandwidth limits are

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1120712394639596912005-07-06T21:56:00.000-07:002005-07-06T22:13:41.183-07:00

i wanted to write a mantra for myself today. here goes. Focus. Todays message is to focus and pull yourself together. Develop your mind and body. A few minutes spent doing this is better than a day spent scrambling to get things done in an unorganized manner. Think. Breathe. Focus. On. God. Focus on your family. On your friends. Think of their perspective. Shed the image of yourself today. You

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1120677149645875982005-07-06T11:53:00.000-07:002005-07-06T12:38:42.010-07:00

yesterday evening i was riding shotgun in a car that was gliding across texas and aimed just slightly north of the post July 4th sunset. i was listening to bicyclemark lay into the supreme court decision to hold innovators of technology liable for misuse of that technology by its users. basically, its the file swap showdown: can limewire, bit torrent, kazaa etc be held liable for developing tools

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1120072454228117822005-06-29T12:06:00.000-07:002005-06-29T12:36:50.956-07:00

The job interview was pretty shitty. They're pretty much looking for a programmer, something that would have been good to mention in the ad. I knew the interview was going to go south when the interviewer brought me into his office, and aligned next to pictures of his wife and children, was a picture of President Shrub. The picture was smirking at me while I noticed that it was in a bigger frame

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1120059243309213492005-06-29T08:23:00.000-07:002005-06-29T11:55:23.863-07:00

the president was on tv last night wearing the cornflower blue tie that he wears when the shit that he's telling us is so vile that he needs soothing colors to help offset America's fury. His acceptance ratings are again at an all time low, mainly because of Iraq, as usual. This time, even Conservatives are pissed. They're pissed because even though they bought the war from the get go, they

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1120018878488474712005-06-28T21:18:00.000-07:002005-06-28T21:30:51.666-07:00

This is too good not to share. Fellow Texas blogger Truecraig reflects on stealing as a youngster:During my early middle school years, you could say that I was little more than a punk-thief. I didn’t have a whole lot, so anything that wasn’t nailed down, I took. Theft is the easiest way for a youngster to acquire “things”. Our family was broke, and since there are no jobs for a twelve year-old,

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1120000846194999652005-06-28T16:14:00.000-07:002005-06-28T16:24:10.266-07:00

I'm only slightly tripping out about the job interview tomorrow. I'm just going to wear a suit. But its going to be 101 degrees here tomorrow, so you can imagine how dashing I'll be by the time I have to see the guy. Nothing like sweating like a dirty whore in an interview.A friend e-mailed me today. He forwarded me a notice he got from the my 10-year high school reuinion committee. Feck. Its

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1120000389192364022005-06-28T16:10:00.001-07:002005-06-28T16:13:09.193-07:00

It only took me about an hour to re-design the site so that piece of shit annoying white space was gone. I just scrapped the whole site and started over, for the most part. Thanks all of you who commented on what I might do to relieve the problem. Instead of pulling my hair out, I just started over. Let me know if you have any browser incompatibilities.

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1119929796344501502005-06-27T20:21:00.000-07:002005-06-27T20:36:36.350-07:00

I don't know what that big piece of white space is in the middle of my blog. If you're a css wizard, let me know what I need to do to fix this, and I will give you a big shout out. Email me or just leave me a coherent note in my comments. Because thats what the internets is for.I have a job interview on Wednesday with a software company. That should be interesting since I've never worked for a

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1119840927012297492005-06-26T19:55:00.000-07:002005-06-26T19:57:13.563-07:00

On a hot Sunday afternoon in texas there isn't much to do other thanboot up the ipod and head over to the university for a run slashstroll. I went to a field in the middle of the campus so I couldstretch and consider the fact that I was about to run for the firsttime in a year. There was a girl in the bushes, and she had like 3 bigfucking dogs. I thought they were going to jump my ass – but

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1119342547976925312005-06-21T01:26:00.000-07:002005-06-26T19:40:36.203-07:00

Many things in my life have happened to me without planning, execution, or even intent. Like the time I was a junior in high school and dated a sophomore in college.I met Julia at one of several bars where my friends and me would watch jazz bands from the nearby university (note that many bad stories of mine, often involving the police or disgruntled senior citizens, open this way).It was about

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1119042573177275682005-06-17T13:58:00.000-07:002005-06-26T19:41:17.913-07:00

If you're a girl in Texas and you answered your cell phone a total of 4 (four) times during the 7:55 showing of Mr. and Mrs. Smith last night, I regret to inform you that you are a dirty trailer park skank. Keep in mind that in polite society, it is typical to turn your phone off before entering a theater. If your phone rings during the movie because you forgot to turn it off, it is your

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1118958372678290102005-06-16T14:46:00.000-07:002005-06-16T15:01:54.870-07:00

This is a picture of the cheerleading squad at Keller High School in Keller, Texas. Because I found a story that discusses Texas, hot cheerleaders, and feces, I am obligated to share it with you (click on the image to make it bigger, and to see more detailed cheerleader goodness): FORT WORTH, Texas -- Four Keller High School cheerleaders were sent home early from camp after allegedly putting

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1118869402436326532005-06-15T14:03:00.000-07:002005-06-15T14:05:08.796-07:00

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1118696628612918282005-06-13T13:43:00.000-07:002005-06-13T14:03:48.626-07:00

If you're in Austin at summertime, you can sit near the Congress Ave Bridge at Barton Springs Drive, and witness 1.5 million bats fly out from under the bridge at dusk. The bats, which comprise the largest urban bat dwelling known to man, fly out at such density that the sky turns dark. It takes about 3 hours for 1.5 million bats to fly out from under the bridge. Most of the bats are female.

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1118551106195467172005-06-11T21:35:00.000-07:002005-06-11T21:38:26.200-07:00

Dateline Austin, TX..This is why I can never leave Texas...I love Austin, and I can't wait to be here full time.

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1118260934194728962005-06-08T12:47:00.000-07:002005-06-08T13:12:23.000-07:00

Before you move to Texas, read this from Liberal Street Fighter: Texas Governor Rick Perry is one ignorant son of a bitch. I’d call him a “sack of shit,” but I wouldn’t want to insult manure. Not only does Perry sign new anti-abortion legislation in the school gymnasium of at the Calvary Christian Academy, not only did his office send out an e-mail to religious groups before the signing,

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1118182687751755052005-06-07T15:15:00.000-07:002005-06-07T20:14:01.183-07:00

If you aren't reading Heroinegirl, you should be:John The Romanian had been our dealer for six months now, which was most appreciated given the amount of dealers that were getting busted lately. John was a fat, middle aged grumpy old man, he filled out the front seat easily, his hairy belly leaking out onto his tailored pants. Every moment in the car with him was tense, his accent wad thick and

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1118112902343772482005-06-06T19:53:00.000-07:002005-06-06T19:55:02.350-07:00

Let's visit the archive: They say when you get married you get fat. Birtney Spears has already been married twice. Yes, this is her in the picture to the right. I'm not going to be the guy that posts a picture of some poor girl thats gained a few pounds and run her into the ground. There's too much of that happening,

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1117650452797560042005-06-01T11:27:00.000-07:002005-06-01T11:28:31.990-07:00

I'm so sorry..

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1117640122296506972005-06-01T08:34:00.000-07:002005-06-01T08:40:03.616-07:00

I'm not sure why I decided to talk shit to Pete Rose. Outside of the whole gambling thing, I don't have a huge problem with him. Except that its painful to look at him, and as a result, I sometimes want to smack him.I was taking a leak at a rest stop while driving cross country. There was a wire-mesh window atop the unrinal where urinators could look out at the landscape: about a quarter acre of

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1117590635685312632005-05-31T18:48:00.000-07:002005-05-31T18:50:35.686-07:00

Fehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhck.

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1117564332184850182005-05-31T11:30:00.000-07:002005-05-31T11:32:12.190-07:00

The Tao of Elton JohnDon't wish it awayDon't look at it like it's foreverBetween you and meI could honestly sayThat things can only get betterAnd while I'm awayDust out the demons insideAnd it won't be longBefore you and me runTo the place in our heartsWhere we hideAnd I guess that's whyThey call it the bluesTime on my handsCould be time spent with youLaughing like childrenLiving like

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1117430315265759412005-05-29T22:01:00.000-07:002005-05-29T22:21:19.923-07:00

If you want to play a fun drinking game, do a shot everytime our president today wraps himself in the flag in honor of American veterans.I'm going to celebrate today in honor of those the president wouldn't serve with in Vietnam simply because he didn't have to.I'm celebrating in honor of all those Americans, especially those from the president's home state of Texas, who seem to get called up in

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1117306850103931272005-05-28T12:00:00.000-07:002005-05-28T12:00:50.106-07:00

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1117165416518999542005-05-26T20:39:00.000-07:002005-05-26T20:45:14.323-07:00

Earlier this week, the FBI shutdown the EliteTorrents site because it contributes to illegal file sharing.Now, when you go to the EliteTorrents homepage, you see a FBI announcement alongside the FBI seal.Whats more interesting is the presence of the Department of Homeland Security seal. WTF does illegally downloading Revenge of the Sith have to do with Homeland security?

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1117141055887764642005-05-26T13:56:00.000-07:002005-05-26T14:04:29.776-07:00

I have opened a Yahoo! Messenger account so that you can talk to me.My userid is:writeharder.

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1116972352247028882005-05-24T15:02:00.000-07:002005-05-24T15:16:33.140-07:00

Sometimes one of the hardest things about blogging is thinking about something to say. You might find yourself sitting in front of a blank page thinking of something clever, deep, funny, profound or elegant to write for your audience. But don’t think too hard about it. If you read blogs or maintain a blog the odds are you’re not writing for The New Yorker – so don’t try to write like you are.

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1116547146400717762005-05-19T16:58:00.000-07:002005-05-19T17:00:32.940-07:00

An Open Letter to Long John Silvers Regarding Their Evil GoodnessFirst of all, you know I love you. I have since I was a child. What I am going to say here shouldn't have consequences for our relationship. It should be used so that you realize where you stand. I hope you'll reflect on some of the words that I'm going to offer you today.So what the fuck is up with your Evil Goodness? Why does it

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1116545811990706762005-05-19T16:17:00.000-07:002005-05-19T16:38:31.350-07:00

It's not like I wanted to blow off Star Wars on opening night. There's still a 12 year old in me that wanted to go stand in line and see it before anyone else. The problem is that maturity gets in the way.I don't think I could bear coming to my blog and writing about being a dork. Most of you already know that I have dork-like qualities, but I don't want to perpetuate those qualities by basking

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1116480122602310822005-05-18T22:17:00.000-07:002005-05-18T22:24:18.763-07:00

If you live in Texas and you attempted to buy a copy of Barely Legal alongside a bottle of Gatorade this evening at EZ Mart, I was the guy standing behind you, and I need to tell you that you suck.I also need to tell you that the old lady working behind the counter that jacked you for not having your driver's license talked mad shit about you after you left, and even left the copy of Barely Legal

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1116381309316734262005-05-17T18:54:00.000-07:002005-05-17T19:03:57.740-07:00

Blogging can be a good way to test the waters. This is sometimes known as a trial balloon, as many of you know. A trial balloon works like this: say a governor wants to see how the public might respond to his candidacy for presidency. Instead of testing by saying "yeah I'm gonna run" and then having to retract that decision to run if the publis all "boo fuck that!", the governor can have someone

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1115944823311310832005-05-12T17:36:00.000-07:002005-05-12T17:40:23.400-07:00

I have a fever and the only cure is to show you pictures of David Hasselhoff.

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1115795457016513092005-05-11T00:09:00.000-07:002005-05-11T00:10:57.020-07:00

America is involved in a vast conspiracy to feminize men.Sick of the Queer Eye guys? Watch this.

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1115777674299818722005-05-10T19:13:00.000-07:002005-05-10T19:14:34.303-07:00

When I first started blogging, as much as I hate to admit it, it was all about the front. How do I be cool, sexy, crazy, refined? Ok that last sentence sounded like the TLC album, so scratch that.But within a few days I realized the front turns people off, and that you can't fake the funk. If, as bloggers, we're going to be naked in our writing, we can't be thinking about our image to our readers

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1115675853438645542005-05-09T14:56:00.000-07:002005-05-09T15:03:44.100-07:00

The Tao of Sophie B HawkinsThat old dog has chained you up alrightGive you everything you needTo live inside a twisted cageSleep beside an empty rageI had a dream I was your heroDamn I wish I was your loverI’ll rock you till the daylight comesMake sure you are smiling and warmI am everythingTonight I’ll be your mother I willDo such things to ease your painFree your mind and you won’t feel

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1115427601610036312005-05-06T17:58:00.000-07:002005-05-06T18:00:01.616-07:00

Stupid Calista’s office is right next door to the men’s bathroom at work. When Calista is not gliding around in Birkenstock’s and doing achingly delicate and angelic things like eating fresh fruit from the top of a damp napkin while laughing at something insanely smart and funny that I wish I thought of first, she’s probably listening to me take a deuce. One has to be very sly about going to

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1115280657893254912005-05-05T01:06:00.000-07:002005-05-05T01:17:43.680-07:00

A Semi-Detailed Depiction of Paula Abdul's Seduction of Me, As Written by An Over Eager and Prematurely Ejaculating Budding Romance Novelist I should have known better When Paula Abdul approached me and said she could help drive traffic to my blog."I can get you results," Paula whispered from behind, wrapping her arms around me and dragging her fingertips across my chest. "I can move you to the

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1115229785515797322005-05-04T11:01:00.000-07:002005-05-04T11:03:23.066-07:00

The Tao of BlondieShe moves like she don't care.Smooth as silk, cool as air.Ooh, it makes you wanna cry.She doesn't know your name and your heart beats like a subway train.Ooh, it makes you wanna die.Ooh, don't you wanna take her?Wanna make her all your own?Maria.You've gotta see her!Go insane and out of your mind.Medina.Ave maria.A million and one candlelights.I've seen this thing before.In my

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1114893101659172422005-04-30T13:28:00.000-07:002005-04-30T13:31:41.663-07:00

Jennifer Wilbanks came to see me last night*. She was on her way to Albuquerque, and was frantic about her wedding. I was expecting her knock at the door.She was standing at my front door. The rain was pelting her shoulders."Come on in, take a load off," I said.She sat on the couch, and I put on a pot of coffee."They're looking for you, you know," I said as she held her face in her hands and

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1114735879384314712005-04-28T17:49:00.000-07:002005-04-28T22:33:41.613-07:00

Because Missing: In Action is on tv tonight, it is appropriate for me to re-write my day as if it was lived by Chuck Norris starring as Colonel Braddock: My alarm went off at 7am this morning. The news was on. More talk about US POWs missing in Vietnam, and failed attempts by government officials to bring them home. I had fallen asleep on the bed, still in my jeans, boots, and a flannel

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1114538101321476952005-04-26T10:43:00.000-07:002005-04-26T10:57:55.083-07:00

"At me, looking are you? At me looking are you? At me you MUST be looking. No one else here, there is!""Like running in the Special Olympic arguing on the internet is. Even if win you do, retarded still you are.""Once fool me, on you the shame is. Twice fool me,...uh....fooled agian I will not be."- Yoda W. Bush"Had me at hello, you did.""If the blue pill you take, wake up in your bed you

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1114199906123493732005-04-22T12:53:00.000-07:002005-04-22T13:09:22.406-07:00

I really think one of the hardest aspects of blogging is the nakedness. If you have your name on your blog, you're hardcore. Personally, I choose not to fully out myself on my blog because I'm not sure if I want my deepest thoughts and sailor-influenced cussing tirades associated with me in Google's cache for eternity. In our lifetime, we will see someone very important get into a lot of trouble

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1114042111106197622005-04-20T16:58:00.001-07:002005-04-20T17:08:31.106-07:00

I love coming across the blog of someone in a complete mental breakdown. I've been there. Virtually all of you have been there. I know -- because if you're reading this, there is 99.9999 percent chance I read your blog regularly. If you're on my links list, I read you almost everyday, even if I don't leave comments everyday.You can identify the highest level of emotional meltdown when someone

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1113959431415913392005-04-19T18:04:00.000-07:002005-04-19T18:10:31.416-07:00

Dear Avid Reader: The more I listen to podcasts, the more I am that its something I need to dabble in.The biggest question is, how many of you listen to podcasts, or better yet, how many of you would listen to me podcast?Maybe this is something we should all get into together? I advocate for a podcast ring.The Winter of Discontent blog is mighty and powerful, but not quite as mighty and powerful

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1113883330867130492005-04-18T20:59:00.000-07:002005-04-18T21:02:49.043-07:00

A Narrative of My Morning, As Written by an Over-Eager Hemingway Aficionado-- The morning sun arched her rays over the desolate landscape, and met me with a doubtful and tired persistence. I took my usual position under a tree and gathered myself from Saturday’s hangover. I barely had enough time to finish my cigarette before class, and turned a cheek to the youthful bounces of

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1113796268838523562005-04-17T20:50:00.000-07:002005-04-17T21:50:09.973-07:00

An Open Letter to My Neighbors Who Perpetuate Mexican Stereotypes By Going out Of their Way to Live in Squalor and Reproduce Exponentially Despite Their Dismal Economic Situation Dear Neighbor: I feel that it might be time for you to re-evaluate your lifestyle and consider the impact that it has on perpetuating negative stereotypes of Mexican-Americans. I admire your generosity

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1113596987835646852005-04-15T13:29:00.000-07:002005-04-15T13:33:13.483-07:00

An Exlusive Interview withMy Sense of Impending Self DoubtIf partnership has a name, it is My Sense of Impending Self Doubt. I first encountered My Sense of Impending Self Doubt on the evening of the Goin' Buggy play, produced by my elementary school, in which the student body performed as various insects. I earned the diligent role of Firefly, which required me to carry a flashlight around the

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1113583863719204902005-04-15T09:49:00.000-07:002005-04-15T09:53:33.730-07:00

An Exclusive Interview with the Old Navy Commercial:one from the archive.[editorial note:] I first met the Old Navy Commercial while attending Julliard in 1979. I was busing tables at the Carnegie Deli, and the Old Navy Commercial noticed a stack of blues records under my arm as I was preparing to leave work. The Old Navy Commercial asked me about them, and we ended up back at my place listening

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1113529555147061592005-04-14T18:44:00.000-07:002005-04-14T19:02:55.163-07:00

A Frank Discussion on What I Would Do if I bit into a Severed Finger While Eating a Cup of Wendy's Chili It is not uncommon for me to enjoy a cup of Wendy's 99-cent chili. I find its hearty texture and sweet but surprisingly peppery aftertaste quite pleasant during the autumn and winter months. If I were bite into a spoonful of Wendy's meaty and spicy chili, one that contained a

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1113502108481469462005-04-14T11:07:00.000-07:002005-04-14T15:59:01.240-07:00

VH1 Volume 3After I left the makeup room, Melinda lead me to a room that was crammed with lights and cameras. The only empty space was one corner, which was a big green screen. There was an office chair, and three cameras: one in front, and two to the side. There were lots and lots of lights shining on my chair. The rest of the room was near black. Maybe 5 Guys in jeans and flannel shirts and

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1113453308060447242005-04-13T21:34:00.000-07:002005-04-13T21:37:29.546-07:00

LA Volume 2 The car was 30 minutes late to pick me up from my hotel and take me to the VH1 studio. A producer, who has been in touch with me for weeks, called my cell phone every 5 minutes to ask me where I was. She was getting really pissed. She didn't even get this pissed when she mentioned she saw a reference to herself on my blog. I had referred to her as a bitch. From now on, I will refer to

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1113443718909896732005-04-13T18:38:00.000-07:002005-04-13T22:39:55.680-07:00

They say when you die, your life flashes before your eyes just before you slip away to settle the score with your maker. But this isn't always true. The very nature of the human mind dictates that it focuses on something other than its mortality during its last moment of life.Author Sebastian Junger interviewed boatloads of sailors and fishermen who had been involved in terrible shipping

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105574.post-1113420314701877032005-04-13T12:24:00.000-07:002005-04-13T12:28:10.956-07:00

The Tao of Bruce Springsteen Hey little girl is your daddy homeDid he go away and leave you all aloneI got a bad desireI'm on fireTell me now baby is he good to youCan he do to you the things that I doI can take you higherI'm on fireSometimes it's like someone took a knife babyedgy and dull and cut a six-inch valleythrough the middle of my soulAt night I wake up with the sheets soaking wetand a

Michaelnoreply@blogger.com0