About a week and a half ago my Mom called me to tell me she had abnormal test results. The next she went in for a biopsy, bloodwork, a CT and an MRI, and this is why I haven't been blogging much and hiding behind pictures of Britney and Cletus.

My mom's biopsy results aren't in yet, but the doctor has told her to prepare for the worse. On top of this, she has been diagnosed with diabetes, which was the last ailment my grandmother was diagnosed with before her death. Needless to say, my family is tripping. I haven't felt this alone in so long. Maybe ever. My days at my new job are going well, I think, even though they're spent in a fog. It's like I"m sedated.

Two days ago, my fiance and I decided to break up. I told her I felt alone and didn't know how to talk to her anymore, wanting so bad for her to say "we can fix that, let's try harder, please!" but she just cried and then she handed the ring back because sometimes that says all we need to know, because sometimes you can only ask so much of people before you force a smile and open their cage and let them go. Sometimes you need to realize when you're wasting someone's time.

My ulcer is bleeding for the first time since I was 12. After lunch today I smiled politely as I left the office. I held the door open for our secretary. Then I went to the bathroom and cried. Then puked. Then came back to the office, smiling.

I"ve been dreaming more than usual. Sometimes the same dreams. In one, I'm waiting at a bus stop, but the bus never comes, and I'm late. I keep asking the people at the bus stop where the bus is, but they smile, and when they try to talk, they hack blood all over me and choke.

A few days ago, I was standing in a food court waiting for lunch when I decided I had to get the fuck out. I started sweating, and I dropped a bag that contained a club sandwhich into the garbage. At the same time, the fire alarm went off. It was blinking and honking in the really modern techno-honk sort of way. Everyone wa slauging and running as they were being told to leave by the staff of the building. It was all I could do not to start running to get away from the horns. I was sweating more, and my legs felt cold.

In order to keep my shit together, I had to imagine I was CLint Eastwood in Firefox, which I happened to watch the night before. He's a badass retired fighter pilot, but gets called to sneak into Russia and steal their new bad ass plane out of the hangar. Once, in Russia, He's told by an operative to wait in the officer's dressing room at the hangar, and wait for the signal, and when you hear it, you know its time to go.

"What signal? How will I know?" he asks?

You'll know.

And when He lays in the shower in the middle of a breakdown in the officer's changing room, the fire alarm goes off. And he has to walk in a flight suit in the middle of hundreds of screaming scientists and engineers, go to the plane and run.

And thats what I had to think of. I was walking through a group of people trying absolutely so hard not to lose my shit.

And thats why I'm taking it slow on the blogging.