My friend Chad took it a step farther one night, and instead of shitting in his pants, actually shit in the living room. His girlfriend, a dabbling vegetarian, had gone out of town for the weekend, and left Chad alone to recklessly peruse Jack in the Box and KFC. Needless to say, this took an incredible toll on Chad's bowels. He had eaten a medley of tacos and burgers throughout the day on Saturday, and by the evening, he was a festering crock pot of hot and steamy shit sauce. He also was experiencing, not surprisingly, terrible gas. Chad was standing in his living room, and realized he had to break wind. In typical fashion, which to this day I don’t understand, Chad gripped and pulled on one of his ass cheeks and hiked his foot a few inches off the ground, presumably to aid in the passage of the fart.

Chad pushed to fart, only to discover that the pressure in his ass wasn’t a fart at all, but a chunky cork of crap that had accumulated on the business end of his sphincter, probably to keep all the shit stew in. When he pushed, his ass literally exploded in a celebration of steamy enchilada casserole. He was wearing shorts, so the nutty brownie batter poured down his leg, spackled his feet, and accumulated in a brownish-yellow pile. It’s only speculation, but I imagine at this point his mouth turned to a perfect circle-O. He excitedly did the Aztec two-step to the bathroom, and the movement induced a second incredible tremor, which sent a second wave of trouser chili everywhere – most notably, onto the shower curtain and the turtle-shaped bathmat that stood at the base of the toilet.

If Chad were to have dropped dead at that moment, the crime scene investigators would have certainly puzzled over the scene in the living room and bathroom (which were connected by a surprisingly consistent trail of dribbles and footprints). In short, it looked as if two people had a fight to the death with refried beans. Chad spent the rest of the weekend manually cleaning the carpets, the shower curtain, the fuzzy green turtle bathmat, and hardly unanticipated, some stains on the wall.