lets do one from the archive:

Because Missing: In Action is on tv tonight, it is appropriate for me to re-write my day as if it was lived by Chuck Norris starring as Colonel Braddock:

My alarm went off at 7am this morning. The news was on. More talk about US POWs missing in Vietnam, and failed attempts by government officials to bring them home.

I had fallen asleep on the bed, still in my jeans, boots, and a flannel shirt unbuttoned and revealing my washboard abs. There was a pile of empty Budweiser cans next to the bed, presumably left over from the night before as I tried to wash away my memories of the POW camp. It was a wonder I ever made it back alive. I am misunderstood.

I had to go to work. I went to the fridge and grabbed a morning Budweiser – an eye opener. The news was broadcasting more stories about POWs. In a single roundhouse kick, I waste my TV just before I walk out the door.

The Vietnamese kid mail clerk at work glares at me. He was there with me in the camps, pouring rats into my bamboo jail cell, and laughing with the other Viet Cong as they would piss and defecate on us. He must have made it out of ‘Nam in an attempt to make the American dream. He shoots me a knowing smile and squints. I stare back menacingly. I am clad in my sheepskin blazer and Wrangler jeans. I am wearing aviator sunglasses and my hair is flowing from the breeze, even though I am indoors.

I enter my office. The Senator's aide is waiting for me. I know it is her duty to keep tabs on me so that I don’t cause trouble that might interfere diplomatic relations. Her blouse is half unbuttoned, and she is leaning against my desk.

“I put some champagne on ice for us,” she said. “I think its time we got to know each other better.”

I begin unbuttoning my tight and revealing Wranglers, and a look for surprise crosses her face. She thinks I am eager to make love to her. She smiles coyly and turns her back to me, pretending to be bashful. I have other priorities. She is shocked when she turns and finds me changing into my black Ninja suit.

“I’ll be back,” I say as I walk past her like she is merely an object. I begin to crawl out the window. She is disappointed that she didn’t get any of my hot man goodness. “I gotta check out the city. Gonna find my boys.”

I leap outof the window, anticipating a landing after three stories. Several Vietnamese guards are below me and raise their weapons. I produce a hand grenade in each of my hands, pull their pins with my teeth in mid flight, and release them at the guards. They are wasted before I land on the pavement in a dramatic roll-flip. A third guard comes out from no where and I jump on him. I Judo-chop his shoulders. He falls to the ground. I stab him with my survival knife, just before he hits the ground.

I disappear into the night. The Senator's aide watches from the window, torn between her lust for me and her duty for the nation.

She doesn’t know that I have no intentions of returning.